Sunday, December 18, 2011
Dear Stephen King,
I believe you should come and visit the wonderful land of Sussex New Brunswick. You need to come here immediately. To my knowledge you would be the only famous writer to ever visit this town.
Imagine, being the author in a town with 3000 people. You may think that’s not a very big number, but, it is like a compressed version of a large city. The appreciation you may get from New York will be violently forced into a small town. People here will literally treat you like a god. All you have to do is get the heck to Sussex.
I heard you have been to New Brunswick before. But, the rest of New Brunswick isn’t even one tenth as good as Sussex. We have cows, I mean, come on. The cows may make everything smell awful, but, as soon as you get out of here you’d swear you actually miss the smell.
Think about it, every second you are not in Sussex you are having an emotional tragedy, you just don’t know it. Everyone thinks that Sussex is the gateway to the Fundy experience, but, it is actually the gate to the Stephen King appreciation academy. People here need you. You need the people. You need to be in Sussex.
You’re a horror writer, right? Of course you are. If you’re so scary than why would you not come down for Halloween. It wouldn’t even make sense for you not to come. Halloween without a scary guy is like a restaurant serving cold food, it just doesn’t work.
I’ve heard people call you the king of horror, I call that balderdash. You don’t want that do you? For me to call you balderdash? Well come here and prove me wrong. That’s the only way Mr. King, just come here and proves everyone wrong.
Remember the ice-cream guy who said you’d never amount to anything? Of course you do, you probably wrote a book about him. Now imagine punching that guy in the face. Imagine getting that exact feeling from coming to a town. That’s what going to Sussex feels like.
So, are you brave enough to finally come here? To prove me wrong? To punch that ice-cream in the face? And to have the time of your life in a town that just wants to see you. Then do it. Come to Sussex.